*Hears noises at night*: Well this is it this is the end for me I had a good life
*Gets shampoo in my eyes*: I guess I'm blind now how am I going to go on
*Heart is beating fast*: I think I am having a heart attack is this what cardiac arrest is
*A cop walks by*: Here I go about to get arrested I probably murdered someone
*Taking a test*: Don't take your eyes off of this paper you will get caught cheating and get kicked out of school
*Gets a sunburn*: Skin cancer
WHEN SOMEONE CUTS ME OFF
howdoiputthisgently: I’M LIKE: WHEN I CUT SOMEONE OFF, I’M LIKE:
Watching 'Miss Austen Regrets' with my Dad, part...
Dad: Fanny's a brat.
Me: She's upset, and justifiably so. I am sure that if Tom Hiddleston got halfway through proposing to me then changed his mind and wandered off, babbling about trees, I'd pitch a fit as well.
Dad: I think she's better off without Mr. Douchey. He hates fun on principle and didn't want to dance with her.
Me: He changed his mind!
Dad: Still. He didn't want to dance with a cute girl because it was Sunday, but then gambling is perfectly okay? Kid doesn't have his head on right. If he weren't Tom I don't think I would like him at all.
Me: But because he is Tom, you are forcing yourself to like him against your better judgement?
Dad: His hair looks like noodles.
Dad: WHAT THE FUCK WHO IS THAT TURD.
Me: What turd?
Dad: THAT TURD FANNY'S MARRYING WHO IS NOT TOM.
Me: I don't know.
Dad: WHY ISN'T SHE MARRYING TOM.
Me: Because he got engaged to someone else, remember?
Dad: BUT I THOUGHT HE'D CHANGE HIS MIND AND THEY'D GET BACK TOGETHER JUST LIKE IN JANE'S BOOKS.
Me: This is about Jane's life, Dad, not her books.
Dad: BUT. BUT. HE'S NOT TOM. WHY WOULD SHE MARRY SOMEONE WHO ISN'T TOM. HE'S JUST SOME TURD AND NOW SHE'S GOING TO BE MRS. TURD INSTEAD OF MRS. TOM. THIS IS AWFUL.
Me: Also, Jane Austen died poor and alone? That's kinda sad too? Besides, I thought you didn't like Mr. Plumptre.
Dad: BUT HE'S TOM.
Me: You are a complex individual to be certain, Father.
Dad: I don't like this movie.
When you know people on exec in your sorority
mylifeasabaylorbear: You always give them ideas